Couple therapy is a set of private sessions in which two partners work with a trained therapist to understand the patterns that keep hurting their relationship, and to change them. It is not a trial where someone is proved right or wrong. It is a place where two people learn to hear each other again.
At Chaitanya Raj in Vashi and Belapur Navi Mumbai, I meet couples at very different stages. Some are newly married and already arguing about the same thing every week. Some have been together for thirty years and feel like two people living in the same house. Many begin by believing the problem is their partner. Often the real work is to see the pattern that has formed between them.
Couple therapy at a glance
- What it is: Guided conversations with a therapist, with both partners present and sometimes with each partner alone.
- Who it is for: Newly married couples, couples married for decades, couples facing a big change, and couples in crisis. You do not need to be close to a breakup.
- How long it takes: Many therapists find that most couples need roughly 10 to 20 sessions, though it depends on the couple.
- Does it work: A large 2020 review of couple therapy studies found strong improvement in relationship satisfaction, and the gains generally lasted over follow up.
What happens in couple therapy
The first session is mostly about listening. I ask how you met, what the early years were like, and what brought you to my room now. I want to hear each of you describe the problem in your own words, because two partners rarely describe the same problem. By the end of that session you will usually have a clearer idea of what each of you wants from therapy. The problem will not be solved in one hour, and no one should expect that. It helps to walk in thinking that it is the two of you against the problem, not one of you against the other.
In my practice I sometimes meet partners together and sometimes meet them alone. Being heard alone often lets a person say what they cannot say with their partner sitting beside them.
In the middle sessions we look at what actually happens when you fight. Most arguments follow a script. One partner pushes for answers and the other goes quiet, and the more one pushes, the more the other pulls away. Once a couple can see that script, it starts to lose its hold. From there we work on new ways of talking and listening, and couples are often given small things to practise at home between sessions. In the later sessions we look at what has changed and what will help you keep it.
Different approaches to couple therapy
Therapists use different methods, and it helps to know the names. Emotionally Focused Therapy looks at the emotional bond between partners and the cycle of hurt and distance that grows between them. The Gottman Method builds friendship, respect and better ways of handling conflict. Behavioural approaches focus on changing what partners do and say day to day. Acceptance based approaches help partners live with differences that will not change. At Chaitanya Raj, I combine psychotherapy with hypnotherapy and yoga based calming practices, depending on what suits the couple.
How couple therapy helps
- You stop fighting about the surface. An argument about money, time or in laws is often a sign of something underneath, such as feeling unimportant or unheard.
- You learn to listen without defending yourself. Most of us prepare our reply while our partner is still talking. Therapy slows that down.
- Trust can be rebuilt in small steps. When trust has been broken, therapy gives both of you a safe place to say what happened and what you need now.
- You face outside pressure together. Family, children, work and money affect every marriage. Couples learn to handle them as a team.
- You understand yourself better. Each partner begins to see what they bring into the relationship, including old hurts that have nothing to do with the person sitting next to them.
The research supports this. A 2020 review of couple therapy studies found a large effect on relationship satisfaction, with gains that generally held over time. Couples who were kept on a waiting list did not improve on their own, and couples who were more unhappy at the start tended to gain more. Studies of Emotionally Focused Therapy, one of the most researched methods, report that around 70 to 75 percent of couples move from distress to recovery. Results differ from couple to couple, and therapy works best when both partners are willing to take part.
An example from my practice
A couple once came to me for therapy, and I still remember them. They looked made for each other. She was beautiful, he was handsome, and they always brought their two little daughters along. The girls sat outside my glass cabin, where I could see them.
He had a good business, money was never a worry, and their intimate life was fulfilling for both of them. Yet they had one recurring issue. Almost every evening after work he went out and spent a considerable amount of money. He insisted he was not involved with any other woman. His wife would say, “How much time does it take to get involved?”
Over a few sessions, both together and separately, I began to feel that he struggled with low self esteem. From the outside he seemed to have everything, but he may not have felt that way about himself on the inside.
One day his wife came in while he was parking the car. As I was listening to her, he reached my cabin and I signalled to him to wait outside. I believe I called him in about 15 to 20 minutes later, after I had finished listening to her. They never came back. Later his wife called to tell me he had felt insulted that I carried on listening to her and asked him to wait.
Looking back, I realised that even as a therapist I could not have predicted how he would take that moment. To me it was a small, practical request. To him it may have felt like rejection.
Names and details have been changed to protect the couple's privacy.
What this shows about couple therapy
The fight about the evenings and the money was not the whole story. Under it was a man who may have felt small, and a wife who felt alone. Research on couples finds that people with low self esteem tend to feel more rejected and hurt when conflict comes up, and they may pull away or hit back at their partner. A moment that looks minor to one person can land very heavily on another.
Had they stayed, the work would have been to help him say what he felt in that moment, and to help her understand what those evenings away might have been about. That is what couple therapy tries to do. It slows the argument down and looks for the feeling underneath it.
If something in a session hurts you, say so. Tell your therapist, and tell your partner. Leaving quietly takes away the one place where it could have been understood. Sometimes what hurts a person is not what we say or do, but what it means to them.
When is the right time to start couple therapy?
Couples wait an average of six years after trouble begins before they ask for help, according to the Gottman Institute. By then resentment has usually set in, and the same fight has been repeated hundreds of times. Big changes also put pressure on a relationship. The Gottman Institute estimates that 67 percent of new parents see a drop in their satisfaction as a couple in the first three years of a baby's life.
It may be time to talk to someone if:
- You keep having the same argument and nothing changes.
- You only talk about children, bills and schedules.
- One of you has started spending more and more time away from home.
- Trust has been broken.
- A big change is coming or has just happened, such as a new baby, a move, a job loss or an illness in the family.
Asking for help does not mean your marriage has failed. It usually means you still care enough to fix it.
Couple therapy in India: the worry about what people will say
Many Indian couples hesitate because of what therapy seems to say about them. Some fear it means the marriage is failing, that the therapist will advise divorce, or that the family will find out. Counselling is also often suggested only after divorce proceedings have already begun, which makes it feel like the last step instead of an early one.
I see it differently. My aim is not to push a couple towards or away from marriage. It is to help both of you understand what is happening, so that whatever you decide, you decide it clearly. Family matters too. In laws, parents and expectations are part of most Indian marriages, so we talk about them openly instead of pretending they are not in the room.
Book a couple therapy session in Vashi and Belapur, Navi Mumbai
If you and your partner are stuck in the same argument, or have gone quiet with each other, a first conversation is a gentle place to begin. You can reach Chaitanya Raj through chaitanyaraj.com to book a session in Vashi, Navi Mumbai, or online.